Our birth story (sensitive!)

I woke up to use the bathroom as I have so many times a night for the past 4 months but this time when I wiped I saw blood again. Ugh. Don't panic, I told myself, it could be something left over from that placenta attaching but somewhere deep down I knew. The past week I had been feeling so good and it worried me, now this. I wasn't able to fall back to sleep and just cried for the next 2 1/2 hours until the alarm finally went off. My mind was in mommy mode now and I woke up Piper and started getting her ready for school. Around 6 am, right after hubs left for work, I passed 2 golf ball sized clots. I immediately called him to come back home. Waiting for the ob's office to open at 7:30 was excruciating but they were able to see us at 8 so we dropped off the girls and headed there.

"Don't cry in the waiting room. Don't cry in the waiting room." I repeated this over and over to myself. When the nurse called my name though the tears started. While we were waiting for the ultrasound room to open up the doctor came in with his hand held doppler to try and listen for the heartbeat. There was none that he could find. The ultrasound revealed the same thing. I saw my beautiful baby perfect in every way on the screen but with no beating heart. I lost it. I couldn't look anymore. They were talking to me but I have no clue what they were saying. What I did finally hear was that because I was over 16 weeks along I could not get a d&e and that I was going to to be admitted to the hospital to deliver my baby. No, this can't be. Why like this again? Why would this be happening this way again?

Matt and I went home to pack a few things. The doctor said that they administer the medicine every 6 hours and most women deliver in 2 doses but some take up to 24 hours. We made arrangements for the girls and went. I didn't get out of the car when we got to the hospital. Like I thought I had a choice in the matter. Maybe if I don't go in it won't happen. No part of me wanted to walk through those doors. Why, again why? I was so mad at life and the shitty hand that our family has been dealt. Mostly I was scared because I remember the pain and the feelings I had afterwards from last time and didn't want to be in that place again. After maybe 15 minutes Matt finally had me calmed down a little and we went in the hospital and took the elevator up to the 3rd floor. Labor and Delivery. Walking through the doors I smelled a familiar smell. That smell brought me back to a very happy time full of hope and anticipation but this experience would be very different and sad. The birthing room was filled with everything to welcome your new baby into the world. Warmer, diapers, wipes, changing table, and glider. This wasn't how our story was supposed to end. Not again.

At 10:30 the doctor gave me my first dose of medicine and then the waiting began. He told me as the day went on I would start contracting more heavily until I finally delivered the baby. Matt and I sat most of the day in silence. I didn't want to talk, my heart hurt too much and I wanted to be left alone. It was 2pm when the contractions started to get really strong and I started to feel pressure. The nurse came in and I was dilated to 3cm. A few minutes later my water broke. I delivered our tiny baby at 2:45 pm on February 1, 2012. He had 10 perfect little fingers and 10 perfect little toes. His coloring told us that he had died a few days earlier but we will never know why. I still had to deliver the placenta which was being stubborn so the doctor had to give me more medicine. This gave my husband and I time to spend with our little one. The hospital gave us a disposable camera and the nurse took some pictures for us. Will they ever be developed? Probably not but there may come a time that I want to see them and to know that they are there is comforting. This is our last babe so we decided to give him the name we have been saving for a boy, Milo Hartley. Holding him and spending time with him actually gave me a sense of peace. I was emotionally worn out from the day and I am not sure there was a tear left in me to cry. An hour later I was able to deliver the placenta but had to wait to leave until they felt comfortable with my bleeding. I just wanted to go home and be with our girls. We decided to have Milo cremated because I left my last baby at the doctor and it haunts me still. So much regret and I didn't want to feel that way again. We said our last goodbyes and held our sweet baby for the last time on earth. It was time to leave and we were leaving without our baby. I am not sure I will ever get why this happened again.

Violet took the news as hard as I thought she would. She has asked me so many questions and I am doing my best to answer them all honestly. Ruby still pats my stomach and talks about the "new baby" but I know that will pass eventually as well. Piper worries me because she is so quiet about everything. I hope that she will talk to us if she has questions but she didn't last time either.

As for me, my heart is broken and I am angry about it all. I had just become excited about the pregnancy and it was taken from me. Now I guess my own grieving process will start but I am not sure I have ever been so heartbroken and sad. I wake up in the middle of the night and just think. Cry. I want everything out of my head. I was at such a low last time and don't want to be in that place again. But how do you stop that? That spiral downward that you can't control? I have so much anger that creeps into my daily life and consumes me. The sad and empty feeling that won't leave my heart no matter what joy is going on around me. Like last time I will go through the motions of life for my family. The day to days will eventually become normal again. But normal has never returned to my heart and I wonder if it ever will.