Project 366 - Week 6

It has been a tough week. Lots of ups because I have a wonderful family and friends but there has been a lot of downs as well.

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Special treat for the Lucas girls! They have been wanting feathers because all the girls have them and mama found them at Sally's for $5.99 so they will get them. So will 2 of their besties :) We need some happy around here and this should do the trick.

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I feel like I am so lucky to have this silly little baby spend her days with me. The older girls push my buttons until I finally yell and scream at them. It's the age I know but my temper is rather short right now. Ruby pushes, don't get me wrong, but then right when I am about to explode baby girl does something so ridiculously funny that I can't help but laugh. I hope that patience returns soon so I am not so quick to yell at the older 2, they are suffering too.

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I had to pick up Milo's remains this week. It was a lot harder than I ever thought it would be. We chose the small heart urn to keep him in. I wish that I could say that I found some closure from this but I haven't. I am still pretty pissed off.

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Our annual day at the Fairy Festival. This is our 3rd year going and the girls love it! This year their little friend Emilie came along. The wonderful story telling lady was there again.

With my friend Martha and her mama Bonnie we made a very nice fairy house for a large group of fairies. Hopefully the wind we had yesterday didn't blow our house down.

How cute are they?
There it is, another week down. Winter has finally hit NC. It is C.O.L.D. I even see flurries in the forecast for Tuesday. Brrrr!!

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Wordful Wednesday - 2.8.12

I always title my blog posts but my brain isn't working right now, I guess you will have weeks like that.

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I spend all together too much time with my phone. I spend too much time on Pinterest. Ask hubs, he'll tell you (in a loving sort of way). Pinterest doesn't require thinking and that is what I need right now. Activities that don't involve thinking. Just pinning. And pinning. And pinning.

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She was making me dinner. Took my order on a notepad and everything. I asked for pizza and got some sort of doll food :)

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Our Violet. We got our stuff together to register her for Kindergarten. I still can't believe that she will be off to school next year. I need to stop blinking so time slows down.

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Our birth story (sensitive!)

I woke up to use the bathroom as I have so many times a night for the past 4 months but this time when I wiped I saw blood again. Ugh. Don't panic, I told myself, it could be something left over from that placenta attaching but somewhere deep down I knew. The past week I had been feeling so good and it worried me, now this. I wasn't able to fall back to sleep and just cried for the next 2 1/2 hours until the alarm finally went off. My mind was in mommy mode now and I woke up Piper and started getting her ready for school. Around 6 am, right after hubs left for work, I passed 2 golf ball sized clots. I immediately called him to come back home. Waiting for the ob's office to open at 7:30 was excruciating but they were able to see us at 8 so we dropped off the girls and headed there.

"Don't cry in the waiting room. Don't cry in the waiting room." I repeated this over and over to myself. When the nurse called my name though the tears started. While we were waiting for the ultrasound room to open up the doctor came in with his hand held doppler to try and listen for the heartbeat. There was none that he could find. The ultrasound revealed the same thing. I saw my beautiful baby perfect in every way on the screen but with no beating heart. I lost it. I couldn't look anymore. They were talking to me but I have no clue what they were saying. What I did finally hear was that because I was over 16 weeks along I could not get a d&e and that I was going to to be admitted to the hospital to deliver my baby. No, this can't be. Why like this again? Why would this be happening this way again?

Matt and I went home to pack a few things. The doctor said that they administer the medicine every 6 hours and most women deliver in 2 doses but some take up to 24 hours. We made arrangements for the girls and went. I didn't get out of the car when we got to the hospital. Like I thought I had a choice in the matter. Maybe if I don't go in it won't happen. No part of me wanted to walk through those doors. Why, again why? I was so mad at life and the shitty hand that our family has been dealt. Mostly I was scared because I remember the pain and the feelings I had afterwards from last time and didn't want to be in that place again. After maybe 15 minutes Matt finally had me calmed down a little and we went in the hospital and took the elevator up to the 3rd floor. Labor and Delivery. Walking through the doors I smelled a familiar smell. That smell brought me back to a very happy time full of hope and anticipation but this experience would be very different and sad. The birthing room was filled with everything to welcome your new baby into the world. Warmer, diapers, wipes, changing table, and glider. This wasn't how our story was supposed to end. Not again.

At 10:30 the doctor gave me my first dose of medicine and then the waiting began. He told me as the day went on I would start contracting more heavily until I finally delivered the baby. Matt and I sat most of the day in silence. I didn't want to talk, my heart hurt too much and I wanted to be left alone. It was 2pm when the contractions started to get really strong and I started to feel pressure. The nurse came in and I was dilated to 3cm. A few minutes later my water broke. I delivered our tiny baby at 2:45 pm on February 1, 2012. He had 10 perfect little fingers and 10 perfect little toes. His coloring told us that he had died a few days earlier but we will never know why. I still had to deliver the placenta which was being stubborn so the doctor had to give me more medicine. This gave my husband and I time to spend with our little one. The hospital gave us a disposable camera and the nurse took some pictures for us. Will they ever be developed? Probably not but there may come a time that I want to see them and to know that they are there is comforting. This is our last babe so we decided to give him the name we have been saving for a boy, Milo Hartley. Holding him and spending time with him actually gave me a sense of peace. I was emotionally worn out from the day and I am not sure there was a tear left in me to cry. An hour later I was able to deliver the placenta but had to wait to leave until they felt comfortable with my bleeding. I just wanted to go home and be with our girls. We decided to have Milo cremated because I left my last baby at the doctor and it haunts me still. So much regret and I didn't want to feel that way again. We said our last goodbyes and held our sweet baby for the last time on earth. It was time to leave and we were leaving without our baby. I am not sure I will ever get why this happened again.

Violet took the news as hard as I thought she would. She has asked me so many questions and I am doing my best to answer them all honestly. Ruby still pats my stomach and talks about the "new baby" but I know that will pass eventually as well. Piper worries me because she is so quiet about everything. I hope that she will talk to us if she has questions but she didn't last time either.

As for me, my heart is broken and I am angry about it all. I had just become excited about the pregnancy and it was taken from me. Now I guess my own grieving process will start but I am not sure I have ever been so heartbroken and sad. I wake up in the middle of the night and just think. Cry. I want everything out of my head. I was at such a low last time and don't want to be in that place again. But how do you stop that? That spiral downward that you can't control? I have so much anger that creeps into my daily life and consumes me. The sad and empty feeling that won't leave my heart no matter what joy is going on around me. Like last time I will go through the motions of life for my family. The day to days will eventually become normal again. But normal has never returned to my heart and I wonder if it ever will.

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It's a Pinterest Super Bowl party

I am so totally addicted to Pinterest. I have it on my phone so it is always right there. I can pin while the girls are watching Dora, sitting on my couch when they go to sleep, or in the early morning hours when I am up by myself. Pinterest makes me believe that someday I will dress better, be a cooler crafting mama, and make beautiful meals that are delicious and healthy. Reality is that all I have been doing is pinning this and pinning that and my grand ideas never come to life. Until Sunday. Super Bowl Sunday as a matter of fact.

Matt decided to cut out some carbs from his diet. The day after the Super Bowl :) What I planned for him was a carb lovers dream. First up ham & cheese sliders. Who doesn't love these? I changed them up a bit and didn't add Miracle Whip and we used cheddar because that is what we had on hand. I love potato bread so we used potato rolls and let me say they were delicious!

Source: the-girl-who-ate-everything.com via Jessie on Pinterest

Next up Artichoke Cheese Bread. Ahhh. You can be jealous of this because it was divine! There is something about artichokes, cheese, and warm bread that makes my mouth water. Want to guess on if there was any left?

Source: closetcooking.com via Jessie on Pinterest

Then came a kiddos treat. We went with Pepperoni Rolls without the sauce. The sauce would be good with them but not needed. Very tasty and quick to make!

Source: plainchicken.com via Jessie on Pinterest

Buffalo Chicken Dip. Yum! I used the canned chicken that I had in the pantry. Next time hubs wants more chicken. All of us loved this! I did use blue cheese dressing instead of ranch as well.

Source: eatliverun.com via Madeline on Pinterest

Finally Banana Bread made with cream cheese. What? Even the batter tasted yummy! 1 for us now and 1 for our neighbor. Very tasty.

Source: sugarandspice-celeste.blogspot.com via Jessie on Pinterest

We also had salty snacks & dip. Not homemade *gasp* The girls love Super Bowl party food and it was nice to eat good food and spend the day with our family. All recipes and pictures are from sources listed above that I found on Pinterest. Seriously addicting. Come drink the kool aid with me :)

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Project 366 - Week 5

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The chocolate sculptures that were next to the chocolate bar (closed *poo*) at the Ritz Carlton. I wish you could experience the wonderful smell as you walked by these masterpieces. I mean check out that lady! A chocolate dress. What?

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Supper on Monday. Hard to top Sunday but it was waaayyyyy cheaper and I had my own personal shrimp cocktail :)

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Sweet, sweet toddler feet. I could kiss them all day.

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A girl and a basket. Who needs toys?

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Oh this one. Silly, silly girl. She even laughs in her sleep!

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My favorite, tulips ♥

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Pear Tree Greetings Winner!

Congratulations Random!!

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Wordful Wednesday - It's a date!

You don't hear me talk about many dates around here and that is because we don't go on them. We go out normally once a week but it is with the girls. Matt and I maybe go on one date a year and it was probably last weekend :)

I have to laugh at us sometimes because for us a date would be to Big Daddy's (a local restaurant) or maybe Outback. We are simple folks. Our friends asked us to go to BLT Steak which is located inside the Ritz Carlton downtown Charlotte. I felt I had to step it up a bit and not just wear a tee and jeans. I did my hair AND nails for the occasion. Seriously upped it right? Started with a morning shower and decided to do the no heat curl that has been floating around the internet. My shot is blurry because Ruby called my name right as hubs was trying to take it but I love her looking at me ♥

Last week I found a to.die.for mani on Pinterest and asked my friend Kisten (The Polish Pauper) if I could borrow her polish to recreate it. I did this before I knew about the date because the mani is sweet but saved it until Sunday so it would be fresh.


I have been reviewing some maternity clothes from Fashion Forward Maternity and decided on an awesome shirt and skinnies. Then I decided to add my new fake Frye's. I know there is no such thing but Lucky has come sort of close in my opinion. I got these boots on clearance at our local Belk for under $50. $200 boots for under $50! Love it! And I love them ♥

Earrings from Twisted Silver (I love all their stuff!) and bracelet from Nordstrom Rack given to me by my friend Martha. If only I had a shot of hubs and I but I don't. It was a fun night with friends. Until next year...

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