How can you love someone so much when you haven't met them yet?

Everyone is different I know that. For me bonding with my new baby starts when I see 2 lines on a pregnancy test. Crazy right? I start daydreaming about how wonderful our life will be and what crazy changes we will have with a new addition. Don't get me wrong the appointments are great and they give me a chance to catch a glimpse of the little one or listen to the precious heart beating. I was 13 weeks pregnant on Sunday when my heart broke like it has never before. It was this day that we lost our little baby.

Please stop reading now if you are sensitive to this subject or just don't want to know any details. I hope that by writing it out it may help me to heal a little bit.

Saturday the girls and I decided to head to a mall to try and get a few Christmas gifts for cousins in Ohio. Of course a merry go round ride was also on our agenda b/c you can't go to the mall and not go on it. It took us forever to get there and I had to go to the bathroom so bad by the time we arrived that we all headed to the bathroom. It was then I realized I was spotting. Really I wasn't even worried b/c I have bled with each pregnancy and 3 times I have had healthy babes. Plus, I was 13 weeks pregnant. The chance of miscarriage is less than 1%. We rode that merry go round but cut our trip a little short and headed home. Sunday the spotting continued but it wasn't anything that was raising alarms so again no worries. I can't believe how calm I was about the whole thing. My plan was to contact the OB's office Monday morning and try and schedule my appointment a day early just so that I could hear the heartbeat and ease my mind a bit. I guess that the cramping started around 2 pm on Sunday afternoon. At first it wasn't bad but then it got progressively worse. I told myself it was REALLY bad round ligament pain. I had experienced really bad pain in my first pregnancy and was told that was what it was so it must be that again. The cramping got worse and that was when I started to worry b/c it came and went, like contractions. They were getting so bad I was having to breath through them, like contractions. The optimist inside me was losing but I still held onto some hope. Our daughters have Awana on Sunday nights and I had procrastinated ironing Violet's Cubbie badge on her vest. Although it was the last thing that I really felt like doing Violet was so proud of earning that badge I felt I needed to do it for her. I headed into the kitchen to do that and sat down with the girls at the table so they could watch. Suddenly I felt a very bad pain, a snap, and a gush. No, that felt like my water was breaking. No, no, no, no! I yelled for Matt to come up b/c we had to call the doctor. The next few minutes were horrible. I was in the bathroom and felt another bad cramp which produced my baby. I knew what it was but I didn't want to believe it. I held my tiny baby and that was when I completely lost it. Completely. My heart was in my hand and the one in my body was broken into a million pieces. How could this have happened. What did I do wrong? Matt ran to my side b/c I was screaming, hyperventilating, crying. All 3 of my girls were crying but I only heard Violet crying for me and I could do nothing for her. At that moment I could not stop sobbing. It was the most horrible pain I have ever felt inside. My baby was gone, but why? No, please let this be some bad dream I thought. By the time the midwife called me back it was over. I was too much of a mess to speak with her so Matt did. He was out with the girls and I was trying to get myself somewhat together to go to them but it wasn't working. They needed to see that I was alright but I wasn't. I couldn't believe that I broke down like I had. They do not see me like that they see me as a strong mama. As I write this I am sobbing again so this might not make a lot of sense but as with so many bad things you make yourself forget and I don't want to forget my baby or how it was already so loved by our whole family and how badly we wanted it. My beautiful Piper was not herself at Awana and told Matt she was worried about me. That broke my heart to hear, what did I do to her? Violet however decided that Sunday night was the night to tell everyone she came into contact with that we were having another baby. It was so hard to tell them that their little brother or sister was gone. Violet doesn't really get it yet and still talks about the baby. I feel so alone right now even though I am surrounded by so much love. I have to be strong for my girls when all I want to do is curl up and sleep so that I am not awake and thinking of what happened. How badly I didn't want to get up and go to the doctor Monday morning. How badly I wanted to wake up and have Sunday be a nightmare. Sunday wasn't a nightmare though and I had to get up. As much as I didn't want to do it over again today I did and I will have to everyday for my family. The doctor told us that in his opinion it appeared to be a normal 13 week baby but he could send it out for testing to find out what happened. I said no. He started to talk about more testing on me again but then realized, probably by my sobbing, that I wasn't really in a place to talk about that either so he stopped. For now I don't know what our future holds and I am not thinking of it. I hurt too bad to consider trying this again. Hopefully someday it won't be as hard to get up in the morning but I can't believe that right now.

I will be taking a little blogging break. My blog is mostly the funny upbeat happy things that happen around here and I am sure they will happen but I doubt I will want to write about them. To those that come by regularly I will still visit :)

Happy Thanksgiving!