I wonder

There were so many things that I always said "I will never do this" or "I will never do that" regarding parenting. I was never going to cosleep b/c the kids belong in their cribs (!!!), I was going to quit nursing at 6 months or "maybe I would make it to a year", the ONLY reason that kids beg for McDonald's is b/c parents bring them there and I was NEVER going to bring my kids there. Well so much for best laid plans b/c we have a family bed, I nursed Violet until she was closer to 2 and although I was able to avoid McD's for awhile after I got preggo w/Violet I started craving it and now my girls look longingly at the golden arches whenever we drive by. That list could really go on and on. I also said that I would not parent the way that I was parented b/c I have no relationship (a real one anyway) with the woman who on paper is my mother.I wrote about Mary before and how I was raised by my Great Grandparents (which was very, very good!!) but I have not written about my teenage years and I am not sure I ever will. What does worry me is how can I assure myself that I will have a good relationship with my daughters if I have nothing to base a good relationship on? I have been yelling so much lately at the older 2 girls. Why do they have to start screaming at each other JUST when Ruby finally closes her eyes to nap waking her up? "BECAUSE THEY ARE 4 AND 2 YEARS OLD!!" I tell myself AFTER I get done yelling at them and many times sending them to play in their rooms. I am SO NOT FUN to be around a lot of the time right now and I worry what this might do to my relationship with Piper. I single our oldest out b/c of her personality. Violet just goes on being Violet but I see Piper's eyes and how she looks at me. I hear her telling Violet not to do certain things when she doesn't know I am listening so that they won't get in trouble. I have so much guilt about this and it is weighing so heavily on me. So I wonder what kind of mother I will be now. Will I be that mama that yells all the time which is actually (sadly) how I was raised or will I be able to rise above this all and be the mother who's daughters WANT to tell their secrets to or when they get older and move on want to call and it not seem like a chore. I don't want them running from our home at their first opportunity to escape living with me. I wonder how to find that road which will bring me to being the mom my girls and I both want me to be.