>> Sunday, November 21, 2010
How naive I was to think that I might be feeling better. Today when my eyes opened I thought immediately of the events last week. 1 week ago today. I've had early m/c's trying to get/stay pregnant with our little Ruby. Back then it made me so determined and obsessed to get/stay pregnant. Now I am just so sad. Not just sad but I am also very angry. Ask my girls. I have screamed (not yell but screamed) at them more the past 4 days than I have all year. The neighbors are probably wondering what the heck is going on here. My patience is almost nonexistent with them. Their fighting is completely normal but I can't take it. Ruby is crying constantly and it is wearing on me. I want to walk away but I can't. I want silence but there is no silence. Sleep isn't even a place where I find peace anymore b/c the images of my baby have crept into my dreams. I want them gone and it isn't happening. I cry all the time. I cry too much. I squeezed myself into a pair of jeans after many minutes of stretching them out b/c I can't bring myself to put on my maternity pants again. Just one more reminder as if there aren't enough. It breaks my heart to talk about this loss with anyone b/c I end up sobbing so I avoid the subject. Somehow I need to find something inside of me that gets me back on track. It seems impossible though b/c it is really all I am thinking of. I just want some happiness back in my life. I am allowing all the bad to take over me and am not allowing any sort of joy into my heart. I mechanically smile at Ruby b/c I have to. I praise and love on the girls but it isn't coming from my heart. My attempts at trying to be normal are failing. This all weighs heavily on me and I feel so guilty about it but I can't seem to stop it. I pray to God to take some of my pain away. Maybe it is too fresh and time will heal but how do I get by until that happens? What am I supposed to be doing? I want someone to give me the answers and no one can. I want someone to say next month you will feel better but I know I wouldn't believe it. I want this m/c to finally be done b/c maybe then I can start looking towards our future. Until that happens I don't think that any healing is possible though, it is just too much of a reminder.
>> Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Everyone is different I know that. For me bonding with my new baby starts when I see 2 lines on a pregnancy test. Crazy right? I start daydreaming about how wonderful our life will be and what crazy changes we will have with a new addition. Don't get me wrong the appointments are great and they give me a chance to catch a glimpse of the little one or listen to the precious heart beating. I was 13 weeks pregnant on Sunday when my heart broke like it has never before. It was this day that we lost our little baby.
Please stop reading now if you are sensitive to this subject or just don't want to know any details. I hope that by writing it out it may help me to heal a little bit.
Saturday the girls and I decided to head to a mall to try and get a few Christmas gifts for cousins in Ohio. Of course a merry go round ride was also on our agenda b/c you can't go to the mall and not go on it. It took us forever to get there and I had to go to the bathroom so bad by the time we arrived that we all headed to the bathroom. It was then I realized I was spotting. Really I wasn't even worried b/c I have bled with each pregnancy and 3 times I have had healthy babes. Plus, I was 13 weeks pregnant. The chance of miscarriage is less than 1%. We rode that merry go round but cut our trip a little short and headed home. Sunday the spotting continued but it wasn't anything that was raising alarms so again no worries. I can't believe how calm I was about the whole thing. My plan was to contact the OB's office Monday morning and try and schedule my appointment a day early just so that I could hear the heartbeat and ease my mind a bit. I guess that the cramping started around 2 pm on Sunday afternoon. At first it wasn't bad but then it got progressively worse. I told myself it was REALLY bad round ligament pain. I had experienced really bad pain in my first pregnancy and was told that was what it was so it must be that again. The cramping got worse and that was when I started to worry b/c it came and went, like contractions. They were getting so bad I was having to breath through them, like contractions. The optimist inside me was losing but I still held onto some hope. Our daughters have Awana on Sunday nights and I had procrastinated ironing Violet's Cubbie badge on her vest. Although it was the last thing that I really felt like doing Violet was so proud of earning that badge I felt I needed to do it for her. I headed into the kitchen to do that and sat down with the girls at the table so they could watch. Suddenly I felt a very bad pain, a snap, and a gush. No, that felt like my water was breaking. No, no, no, no! I yelled for Matt to come up b/c we had to call the doctor. The next few minutes were horrible. I was in the bathroom and felt another bad cramp which produced my baby. I knew what it was but I didn't want to believe it. I held my tiny baby and that was when I completely lost it. Completely. My heart was in my hand and the one in my body was broken into a million pieces. How could this have happened. What did I do wrong? Matt ran to my side b/c I was screaming, hyperventilating, crying. All 3 of my girls were crying but I only heard Violet crying for me and I could do nothing for her. At that moment I could not stop sobbing. It was the most horrible pain I have ever felt inside. My baby was gone, but why? No, please let this be some bad dream I thought. By the time the midwife called me back it was over. I was too much of a mess to speak with her so Matt did. He was out with the girls and I was trying to get myself somewhat together to go to them but it wasn't working. They needed to see that I was alright but I wasn't. I couldn't believe that I broke down like I had. They do not see me like that they see me as a strong mama. As I write this I am sobbing again so this might not make a lot of sense but as with so many bad things you make yourself forget and I don't want to forget my baby or how it was already so loved by our whole family and how badly we wanted it. My beautiful Piper was not herself at Awana and told Matt she was worried about me. That broke my heart to hear, what did I do to her? Violet however decided that Sunday night was the night to tell everyone she came into contact with that we were having another baby. It was so hard to tell them that their little brother or sister was gone. Violet doesn't really get it yet and still talks about the baby. I feel so alone right now even though I am surrounded by so much love. I have to be strong for my girls when all I want to do is curl up and sleep so that I am not awake and thinking of what happened. How badly I didn't want to get up and go to the doctor Monday morning. How badly I wanted to wake up and have Sunday be a nightmare. Sunday wasn't a nightmare though and I had to get up. As much as I didn't want to do it over again today I did and I will have to everyday for my family. The doctor told us that in his opinion it appeared to be a normal 13 week baby but he could send it out for testing to find out what happened. I said no. He started to talk about more testing on me again but then realized, probably by my sobbing, that I wasn't really in a place to talk about that either so he stopped. For now I don't know what our future holds and I am not thinking of it. I hurt too bad to consider trying this again. Hopefully someday it won't be as hard to get up in the morning but I can't believe that right now.
I will be taking a little blogging break. My blog is mostly the funny upbeat happy things that happen around here and I am sure they will happen but I doubt I will want to write about them. To those that come by regularly I will still visit :)
>> Sunday, November 14, 2010
Michelle@Undeserving and yet..Overblessed! tagged me and while the kids are
fighting playing I took a moment to participate :) On pins and needles yet?
4 Things in my Handbag:
1. lip balm
3. random receipts
4 Things In/On my Desk:
4 Favorite Things in my Bedroom: Favorite?
It is not my favorite room so…
3. changing table
4. clothes that need to be put away
4 Things I Always Wanted To Do (But haven’t yet):
1. Jump out of an airplane
2. Travel to Europe
3. Learn to knit - I am hopeless!
4. Run a marathon - someday just watch!
4 Things I Enjoy Very Much At the Moment:
1. Taking pictures of our girls
2. Being pregnant (still sick but oh so happy)
3. Whenever Ruby naps (this is one WIDE open kid and those moments are far and few between)
4. Thrifting (might be more of an addiction)
4 Songs I Can’t Get Outta My Head:
1. Lost! (Coldplay)
2. Mine (Taylor Swift b/c Violet is singing it all.the.time)
3. Chicken Fried (Zac Brown Band - I know what the heck?)
4. 4 is really hard! Maybe Whip My Hair? (Willow Smith) Girls and I like dancing to it (oh and whipping our hair lol)
4 Things You Don’t Know About Me:
1. I am old! Like too old to be listening to Whip My Hair!
2. I have gray hair b/c I am too lazy to A. color it myself and/or B. go have someone do it for me :)
3. I have an addiction to trashy tv but seldom ever get to watch it anymore.
4. I don't like driving at night (see #1).
Who are my lucky taggers? Don't feel obligated ladies :)
Kimberly Altering Life
Michelle Flying Giggles and Lollipops
Stacy Mommas Gone Over the Wall
Jamie Mama Mommy Mom
Finally a poor little confused bloom on our hydrangea doesn't know what to think of these 32 degree mornings :)
>> Thursday, November 11, 2010
Angie's shot is classic. I imagine walking out to get the morning paper still wearing my robe and a coffee in my hand. My girls have found a perfect way to come to a decision when they cannot. Rock, Paper, Scissors. Most of the time they are both scissors so there is still a little fighting involved but they work it out in the end.
More Team Up Thursdays at Melody's and Megan's.
>> Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Have you heard of The Rattles? I hadn't until I checked out a MamaMommyMom's blog. She is giving away one of their cd's! If you are looking for new kiddie music check it out! Here is a sample.
Ends November 30 so you will have plenty of time to get it and put it in that sweet little child's stocking :) Open to US residents only.
>> Tuesday, November 9, 2010
I wasn't even going to try and participate this week but then Ruby looked so darned cute in her giraffe dress today and her new must have on at all times bat hairband (90% off @ Target btw). What is a mama to do, I HAD to take her picture :)
I sense she will be as cheesy as her big sisters. She is definitely a little ham that is for sure :)
Grosgrain has done it again! Another awesome Shabby Apple giveaway! These are gorgeous dresses! You must go check out this giveaway and get yourself entered as well!
Shabby Apple All That Jazz Dress Guest Giveaway
and now I can't get this song out of my head lol :)
>> Monday, November 8, 2010
They fight. All.day.long. Even more than Violet and Piper ever fought I believe. You would think that no one would fight with the baby but a lot of the time it is her antagonizing Violet. Then there is the fact that when Violet doesn't give her what she wants she bites her. Some days I feel sorry for Violet :)
We had to figure out a good sleeping situation for when the new baby comes in May. Ruby sleeps with Matt and I but we had such success with moving Violet (2) and Piper (3) out when Ruby came that I have great optimism it will work again for us. Because of the insane fighting we have decided to give Violet her own room (the playroom now) and move Ruby in with Piper. Piper is cool with it b/c she really never wanted her own room to begin with. Violet is a different kid and I think it will be good for her. She wakes up in the morning and talks to her dolls waking up Piper (and ME!!). This way she will be in her own space able to talk to her dolls, stuffed animals, dresser, or whatever without waking the rest of us up. We'll see if this works out. Project will hopefully be complete by the new year. Fingers crossed!
>> Friday, November 5, 2010
I am so glad Halloween is over. However it doesn't look over at our house b/c we have SO.MUCH.CANDY here! I am going to bring it all on Sunday night to the church to give to all the little Awana kiddies. You're welcome to all of the parents ahead of time :)
About the pumpkin. It was taken in my favorite spot by the window. The pumpkin is a cookie cutter that I stood up. There is a brown armoire in the corner behind it so I am easily able to darken the background to look black. I call this my "studio" lol :)
>> Thursday, November 4, 2010
I love orange. Love it! I can't wait to see what everyone who participates along with Team Up Thursday come up with :) Angie sent me a shot of a sign that hangs in her barn. If it wasn't raining yesterday that was going to be my shot as well. The sign I was eyeing said "End Road Work" and if you know me personally you know we have been dealing with road work for at least a year now. But it was raining so I had to figure something else out :) Wouldn't that have been funny though? Piper helped to decide on using the pumpkin she got on her first field trip with her Kindergarten class. Violet chose the picture that I laid a mirror under. Ruby just wanted to sit on my lap. Family project.
More Team Up Thursdays at Melody's and Megan's.
>> Tuesday, November 2, 2010
The winner of the Pear Tree Notecards is Chrissy. Please contact me within 48 hours to claim your prize. Remember to visit Pear Tree Greetings for all your custom greeting needs.
>> Monday, November 1, 2010
After all the craziness that Thursday brought the rest of our weekend was very restful and boring. Thank goodness! The doctor told us that Ruby stands a chance of having more seizures so we have to treat all fevers with Tylenol now immediately.
We trick or treated on the street adjacent to ours b/c no one on our street had their light on. L.A.M.E. We did go to the neighbors on both sides of us b/c they love seeing the girls dressed up.
Here I am writing this at 7:19 am on Monday morning and I have to go and get the candy away from Ruby who is stealing it from the cauldron on the table. You would never know that she had such a big day last week :)