When?

>> Sunday, November 21, 2010

How naive I was to think that I might be feeling better. Today when my eyes opened I thought immediately of the events last week. 1 week ago today. I've had early m/c's trying to get/stay pregnant with our little Ruby. Back then it made me so determined and obsessed to get/stay pregnant. Now I am just so sad. Not just sad but I am also very angry. Ask my girls. I have screamed (not yell but screamed) at them more the past 4 days than I have all year. The neighbors are probably wondering what the heck is going on here. My patience is almost nonexistent with them. Their fighting is completely normal but I can't take it. Ruby is crying constantly and it is wearing on me. I want to walk away but I can't. I want silence but there is no silence. Sleep isn't even a place where I find peace anymore b/c the images of my baby have crept into my dreams. I want them gone and it isn't happening. I cry all the time. I cry too much. I squeezed myself into a pair of jeans after many minutes of stretching them out b/c I can't bring myself to put on my maternity pants again. Just one more reminder as if there aren't enough. It breaks my heart to talk about this loss with anyone b/c I end up sobbing so I avoid the subject. Somehow I need to find something inside of me that gets me back on track. It seems impossible though b/c it is really all I am thinking of. I just want some happiness back in my life. I am allowing all the bad to take over me and am not allowing any sort of joy into my heart. I mechanically smile at Ruby b/c I have to. I praise and love on the girls but it isn't coming from my heart. My attempts at trying to be normal are failing. This all weighs heavily on me and I feel so guilty about it but I can't seem to stop it. I pray to God to take some of my pain away. Maybe it is too fresh and time will heal but how do I get by until that happens? What am I supposed to be doing? I want someone to give me the answers and no one can. I want someone to say next month you will feel better but I know I wouldn't believe it. I want this m/c to finally be done b/c maybe then I can start looking towards our future. Until that happens I don't think that any healing is possible though, it is just too much of a reminder.

13 comments:

Mrs. Stam Sunday, November 21, 2010  

My heart brakes reading this, because I remember way too well how you feel. But I promise it will get better, the pain will be less but for now I now it's really painful!

I'm praying for you. Is there anything I can do to help?

Melissa Sunday, November 21, 2010  

So sorry Jessie...
You are an Amazing momma, you know that.
And you know that God has a plan.
It is VERY hard to go there now, but lean on Him. He will pull you through...You will heal.
Your babay is safe in His arms...and you will hold your little love again.
Take care of You...and do not feel bad for resting...you need it physically and mentally.
Hugs and prayers sent for you

Michelle G Monday, November 22, 2010  

As hard as it is - you have to talk to someone. (even through blogging - but better face to face!)
So many of us moms try to do it all - to "handle" it all.....and SO many of us have gone through this alone.....You need time...you need rest....you need to heal - it is VERY real!!! Each and every child is important....you have every right to mourn - you can not hold this inside - it only makes it worse (I promise I speak from experience)It takes time for a shattered heart to heal.
Sending you much love - praying for peace for you all.

Kimberly Monday, November 22, 2010  

Jessie, ((((hugs)))) my friend. I can only guess that it's normal you feel this way. It has only been a week. You're allowed to feel the way you do, to grieve. Just keep hanging in there. Love you girl.

Kelly Monday, November 22, 2010  

When my husband was very ill, I used to pray that we made it through till the day that this "became a blip on the radar of life". I know it sounds strange, but I will pray that for you. And until then, I'll pray for strength and healing. Thinking of you!

Joey @ Big Teeth and Clouds Tuesday, November 23, 2010  

In my experience, you have to let yourself be sad for a while. There is no timetable for grief to evaporate. Feeling guilty about feeling sad just makes it worse.

So my advice (though I'm not qualified to give any) is to let yourself be sad. Breath in and out, hug those little girls.

And know that I'm thinking of you often. You're a strong lady, but even the strongest need to take time to heal.

I wish I lived closer so I could babysit or something!

Staci Tuesday, November 23, 2010  

I have no advice, but I do understand the place you're in right now and wanted to offer my support and prayers. {hugs}

Together We Save Tuesday, November 23, 2010  

Sending prayers your way.

Cara Wednesday, November 24, 2010  

Jessie- Give yourself and break and allow yourself to have these feeling. You are grieving and you are allowed to be "angry with the world". It's early and as time passes thing will get better, I know you don't believe that now but they will.
You may also want to ask you doctor about going and seeing someone about your feelings. It may help you to talk about it even if you really don't want to.
I am praying for you and your family in these hard times.
{{HUGS}}

Flying Giggles and Lollipops Wednesday, November 24, 2010  

I am so sorry Jessie. In time, you will heal even though right now it seems impossible. You had such a precious gift taken away, your pain and sorrow is natural and you do need to grieve it. Take your time, I am praying for you.

Buckeroomama Sunday, November 28, 2010  

Oh, my heart breaks just reading this. I am so sorry you for what you are going through. Sending hugs and prayers your way.

Shelly at Aperture of My Eye Sunday, November 28, 2010  

I am so sorry to hear that you are having to go through such a numbing experience. I've had long talks with some of my friends who have experienced this as well and have given them a shoulder to cry on. What you are feeling right now is very normal, although definitely not ideal for you. You have to give yourself the time to grieve so you can make it though this hard time. You will be in my thoughts. (Hug) :(

Lisa Tuesday, November 30, 2010  

Jessie,
I don't know about it getting easier, but maybe more tolerable on a day to day basis. You are in the beginning of grieving. So many different emotions and stages you will go through. But, you have to go through them to get to the other side. (Tolerable)
You are a wonderful,loving mother and your three little girls (and wonderful husband) will help you through the loss of your baby.
Just know you have friends here if you need us.
Love you.
Lisa

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