How can you love someone so much when you haven't met them yet?

>> Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Everyone is different I know that. For me bonding with my new baby starts when I see 2 lines on a pregnancy test. Crazy right? I start daydreaming about how wonderful our life will be and what crazy changes we will have with a new addition. Don't get me wrong the appointments are great and they give me a chance to catch a glimpse of the little one or listen to the precious heart beating. I was 13 weeks pregnant on Sunday when my heart broke like it has never before. It was this day that we lost our little baby.

Please stop reading now if you are sensitive to this subject or just don't want to know any details. I hope that by writing it out it may help me to heal a little bit.

Saturday the girls and I decided to head to a mall to try and get a few Christmas gifts for cousins in Ohio. Of course a merry go round ride was also on our agenda b/c you can't go to the mall and not go on it. It took us forever to get there and I had to go to the bathroom so bad by the time we arrived that we all headed to the bathroom. It was then I realized I was spotting. Really I wasn't even worried b/c I have bled with each pregnancy and 3 times I have had healthy babes. Plus, I was 13 weeks pregnant. The chance of miscarriage is less than 1%. We rode that merry go round but cut our trip a little short and headed home. Sunday the spotting continued but it wasn't anything that was raising alarms so again no worries. I can't believe how calm I was about the whole thing. My plan was to contact the OB's office Monday morning and try and schedule my appointment a day early just so that I could hear the heartbeat and ease my mind a bit. I guess that the cramping started around 2 pm on Sunday afternoon. At first it wasn't bad but then it got progressively worse. I told myself it was REALLY bad round ligament pain. I had experienced really bad pain in my first pregnancy and was told that was what it was so it must be that again. The cramping got worse and that was when I started to worry b/c it came and went, like contractions. They were getting so bad I was having to breath through them, like contractions. The optimist inside me was losing but I still held onto some hope. Our daughters have Awana on Sunday nights and I had procrastinated ironing Violet's Cubbie badge on her vest. Although it was the last thing that I really felt like doing Violet was so proud of earning that badge I felt I needed to do it for her. I headed into the kitchen to do that and sat down with the girls at the table so they could watch. Suddenly I felt a very bad pain, a snap, and a gush. No, that felt like my water was breaking. No, no, no, no! I yelled for Matt to come up b/c we had to call the doctor. The next few minutes were horrible. I was in the bathroom and felt another bad cramp which produced my baby. I knew what it was but I didn't want to believe it. I held my tiny baby and that was when I completely lost it. Completely. My heart was in my hand and the one in my body was broken into a million pieces. How could this have happened. What did I do wrong? Matt ran to my side b/c I was screaming, hyperventilating, crying. All 3 of my girls were crying but I only heard Violet crying for me and I could do nothing for her. At that moment I could not stop sobbing. It was the most horrible pain I have ever felt inside. My baby was gone, but why? No, please let this be some bad dream I thought. By the time the midwife called me back it was over. I was too much of a mess to speak with her so Matt did. He was out with the girls and I was trying to get myself somewhat together to go to them but it wasn't working. They needed to see that I was alright but I wasn't. I couldn't believe that I broke down like I had. They do not see me like that they see me as a strong mama. As I write this I am sobbing again so this might not make a lot of sense but as with so many bad things you make yourself forget and I don't want to forget my baby or how it was already so loved by our whole family and how badly we wanted it. My beautiful Piper was not herself at Awana and told Matt she was worried about me. That broke my heart to hear, what did I do to her? Violet however decided that Sunday night was the night to tell everyone she came into contact with that we were having another baby. It was so hard to tell them that their little brother or sister was gone. Violet doesn't really get it yet and still talks about the baby. I feel so alone right now even though I am surrounded by so much love. I have to be strong for my girls when all I want to do is curl up and sleep so that I am not awake and thinking of what happened. How badly I didn't want to get up and go to the doctor Monday morning. How badly I wanted to wake up and have Sunday be a nightmare. Sunday wasn't a nightmare though and I had to get up. As much as I didn't want to do it over again today I did and I will have to everyday for my family. The doctor told us that in his opinion it appeared to be a normal 13 week baby but he could send it out for testing to find out what happened. I said no. He started to talk about more testing on me again but then realized, probably by my sobbing, that I wasn't really in a place to talk about that either so he stopped. For now I don't know what our future holds and I am not thinking of it. I hurt too bad to consider trying this again. Hopefully someday it won't be as hard to get up in the morning but I can't believe that right now.

I will be taking a little blogging break. My blog is mostly the funny upbeat happy things that happen around here and I am sure they will happen but I doubt I will want to write about them. To those that come by regularly I will still visit :)

Happy Thanksgiving!

29 comments:

Michelle G Tuesday, November 16, 2010  

OH Dear dear woman....My heart is breaking for you. I understand. You need time...rest...and tears..and time...
My prayers are with you. The words "I'm sorry" are rediculously not enough...I grieve for your family - but mostly for you.I have been there.... Get rest. Give your shattered heart time to heal. Give yourself permission to take time to heal.

Mrs. Stam Tuesday, November 16, 2010  

I'm so sorry this happen to you I know how you feel it happen to me too! My post tomorrow is about that our baby would have turn 1 this week, so if you a re not up to read that post I just giving you the head up!

Praying for you that God will give you comfort!

Renee

Staci Tuesday, November 16, 2010  

I am so so sorry for your loss. If you ever need anything at all, an ear to listen, someone to cry to, I'm an email away.

There is nothing whatsoever that you did wrong. You are an amazing momma!

Please take time to take care of yourself, let yourself grieve. Sending prayers and hugs to you and your family.

Joey @ Big Teeth and Clouds Tuesday, November 16, 2010  

I'm so sorry. This is just horrible and so unexpected. I'll keep you, Matt and the girls in my prayers as you heal.

Mommy Cracked Tuesday, November 16, 2010  

I'm a first time reader of your blog (which is great, and you have such a beautiful family) and I am so sorry for your loss. Miscarriage is such a tough thing to go through. There is definitely a process of grieving and healing that has to take place on your own terms and time. I'm saying a prayer for you. Take care.

Rachel Tuesday, November 16, 2010  

Oh, honey. :(

I am so sorry -- to say my heart is breaking after reading this post is an understatement.

I am in tears for you and am praying for you and your family. While I have been through a loss, I can't imagine going through one like this.

{{hugs}}

Melinda Tuesday, November 16, 2010  

I'm so sorry for you. I also remember the exact moment of losing my baby many years ago. I hope you find comfort and healing from those around you.

Amanda Tuesday, November 16, 2010  

Words just don't seem sufficient. (((hugs))) Time may make it easier, but none of us ever forget those babies that weren't born forever babies.

Katie Tuesday, November 16, 2010  

I am so very, very sorry for your loss. I have not been there, so I can't imagine the pain. You will be in my prayers.

Sheri Tuesday, November 16, 2010  

I am so sorry for your loss. You are a strong mama and you have every right to feel how you feel. Our first try ended in miscarriage and it is such a painful experience. My heart and thoughts go out to you.

Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting Tuesday, November 16, 2010  

I am so sooo very sorry for your loss, honey. Many hugs to you and your family.

nicóle Tuesday, November 16, 2010  

I'm so sorry for your loss.
Allow yourself the time to heal. Hug your little ones and snuggle them close.

Nichol Tuesday, November 16, 2010  

I am so sorry. My heart is just breaking. My thoughts and prayers are going out to you and you family. Hugs.

JulieD Tuesday, November 16, 2010  

I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine what you're going through. Sending {{hugs}} from afar even though we are perfect strangers. Thinking of you and your family.

Mama Cupcake Tuesday, November 16, 2010  

I just want to give you big big hugs. Never apologize or think you are crazy for feeling a connection with your child. You take all the time you need for you.

Andrea Hatfield Tuesday, November 16, 2010  

I am so sorry. =(

Praying for your family and giving you virtual ((hugs)).

Yellow Tennessee Tuesday, November 16, 2010  

This is one of those horrible things that until you go through, really have no idea what it is like.

My heart breaks for you. Take all the time you need. Cry, scream, sleep, rest and do whatever you need to heal.

As so many have already said, 'I'm sorry' seems like such a useless phrase but it all I have.

I am so sorry.

Flying Giggles and Lollipops Tuesday, November 16, 2010  

Jessie, I am so sorry for your family's loss. My tears are flowing and my heart is broken for you. Your entire family is in my thoughts as you morn your loss. Time will help, but it will not be an easy process. If you need someone to talk to, I am here!

Lady V dZine Tuesday, November 16, 2010  

My heart breaks for you! Having gone through two miscarriages, I know how devastating it is to lose a baby, and how no one seems to understand how much you loved that little person. May the Lord comfort you and bring you peace now and in the days to come. Thanks for sharing your story, it took a lot of courage to do so.

Kate O Tuesday, November 16, 2010  

So sorry for you and yours. I can't imagine the pain you are feeling. Allow yourself time to grieve and look for solace in your girls' beautiful faces. Your family is in my prayers.

Mama.Mommy.Mom. Tuesday, November 16, 2010  

Oh, Jessie :( Please, please let me know if I can do anything. I know that nothing I can do would make this any easier, but the offer still stands the same. You will certainly be in my thoughts.

hipMomma-MelodyA. Tuesday, November 16, 2010  

Oh, Jessie. My heart breaks for you, too. Cherish the family you have and keep them close to you. Together you will get through this. I hope you all find peace soon.

Andrea Tuesday, November 16, 2010  

Oh Jessie...I am so so sorry. I read your post and I wept with you...for you. Later while washing the dishes I thought of you again...and wept for you again. I know there is nothing I can say to make things better...but do know that you will definitely be in our prayers, and that here...even though I am a country away, I am crying with you.

Kimberly Wednesday, November 17, 2010  

I have no words Jessie. My heart is broken for you. Completely broken. Prayers of healing for you and your family. If you need to talk, I'm here.

Kelly Thursday, November 18, 2010  

Oh my Jessie! I am so sorry to hear that you had to endure such a terrible loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you in this terrible time.

Jenny Thursday, November 18, 2010  

I love you.

Cara Thursday, November 18, 2010  

Jessie (HUGS)
I am keeping you in my prayers and know you will get through this.
(Hug, hug tighter, hug tightest)

smallseven Saturday, December 11, 2010  

I just lossed my 4th in a row almost 2 wks ago. I am blessed with 5 wonderful children, but am grieving at the very real possibility that I may never be able to carry another again. I am 34. I never had problems with my first 5, but I've lossed these last 4 in the last 18mos. My heart is breaking too! I can so identify with your pain! I'd read on another blog that you too have trouble maintaining pregnancies. Have you had other losses. I am looking into some herbal/alternative medicine treatments as I've seen a specialist and he and my ob can find nothing wrong with me. Thanks for sharing all of this. Praying for you! If you ever want to e-mail me my e-mail is smallseven@bellsouth.net My name is Heather. I have a blog but haven't updated it in over a year I believe. I too, find it hard to update it with all the losses. I think I blogged about the first 2. My blog is thesmallones.com

georgia b. Saturday, January 01, 2011  

oh... i gasped and had to cover my mouth with my hand in disbelief when i read this... heart aching for you. i have miscarried twice, but so much earlier on, and never experienced something like this. at 39, my husband and i gave up on the idea of having kids after trying for years... but God had another plan for us. as of september 26, we are pregnant! we are at sixteen weeks, and this will be our first. every day, i fear the worst... not that i dwell on it, but it is always at the back of my mind.

i am so sorry for your loss, but i gather from your comments about awana, that you have a strong faith in God... as i do. i hope that you have since felt his peace and perfect plan for your life. that little one is now in heaven, and you will get to some day meet the someone you love so much.

i'm glad i read this today. i actually found your blog through your comment on shutter sisters... the "a present to myself" post. i looked for this post per your comment. may you be blessed again with child in the new year to come. may you heal completely from the loss you went through last november.

blessings on you and your beautiful family.

~georgia
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I am 45 years old and married to my best friend Matthew. We are the parents of 3 girls, 2 dogs, and a cat. This is the story of us, try to stay awake.

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