Anticipation

Sometimes during our lives we build up an event so much in our heads that we become crazy with emotion anticipating how good or bad it will be. This is me right now. The weeks leading up to what would have been Milo's due date have been some of my worst since we lost him. I wish that I could stop the bad dreams at night or the sad memories that replay in my head during the day. There have been some very grateful distractions but even with them my heart is broken most days.

I feel different inside and I am still pissed off. This is obviously seeping into my everyday. Sometimes I feel like my joy is gone and wonder if it will ever return. None of this is fair to our family, I know this, but even on days that I get up trying so hard it just takes one small thing to throw me all the way back down into that very sad spot. Sad and angry feel a lot alike to me with both leaving me very empty.

I have still been taking my iPhone pics every day and one day (maybe even soon) I will post them. For now I will try and concentrate on Piper's birthday coming up and all the fun we will have when our Ohio family comes to stay with us. Maybe the great weight I feel will ease after I get through Sunday. I can only hope.