>> Wednesday, January 12, 2011
A few weeks ago my husband and I were talking about a shirt that Violet got him for Christmas. I asked him if he'd like another. He said yes. I was talking about a shirt he was talking about a kid. Today I am ovulating. I know this. TMI - maybe. I asked him if we should try again right away and he mentioned something about a bad back. I asked him if he was afraid our baby would have one. He laughed. We are not trying, at least not this month. I don't think I am near ready or know if I want to chance miscarrying again. This time was just too hard on me. My dreams are still filled with my baby. They won't go away and I still wake up each morning at 4 am. Sometimes because of the nightmares. The m/c that I can't seem to get out of my head. Sometimes just because of a noise but it is no better. Most days after an hour or so I fall back asleep but it is that hour that I cry. It is during that time I can't get my lost baby out of my mind. It is tonight as I read about yet another pregnant mama due around the time I was that I can't help but cry. I am so sad. I am so pissed off. Why does this keep happening to me? I should be half way through the pregnancy but here I sit without my baby in my belly. I will be 40 years old in a few months. When I tell people this they so sweetly say "Oh, I know of people who have had babies much later than that" - really? I know that I am high risk and I am not sure that I want to risk it. Was it my age? No one can tell me. No one can give me a reason. Habitual aborter. That is what is on my chart. Really? If only you could feel the pain in my heart for just one minute. I eat too much. I drink too much. I cry too much. I am yelling too much (again). When will this change? I wonder if I will ever feel normal again?