But my blog seems happy...

>> Wednesday, January 12, 2011

A few weeks ago my husband and I were talking about a shirt that Violet got him for Christmas. I asked him if he'd like another. He said yes. I was talking about a shirt he was talking about a kid. Today I am ovulating. I know this. TMI - maybe. I asked him if we should try again right away and he mentioned something about a bad back. I asked him if he was afraid our baby would have one. He laughed. We are not trying, at least not this month. I don't think I am near ready or know if I want to chance miscarrying again. This time was just too hard on me. My dreams are still filled with my baby. They won't go away and I still wake up each morning at 4 am. Sometimes because of the nightmares. The m/c that I can't seem to get out of my head. Sometimes just because of a noise but it is no better. Most days after an hour or so I fall back asleep but it is that hour that I cry. It is during that time I can't get my lost baby out of my mind. It is tonight as I read about yet another pregnant mama due around the time I was that I can't help but cry. I am so sad. I am so pissed off. Why does this keep happening to me? I should be half way through the pregnancy but here I sit without my baby in my belly. I will be 40 years old in a few months. When I tell people this they so sweetly say "Oh, I know of people who have had babies much later than that" - really? I know that I am high risk and I am not sure that I want to risk it. Was it my age? No one can tell me. No one can give me a reason. Habitual aborter. That is what is on my chart. Really? If only you could feel the pain in my heart for just one minute. I eat too much. I drink too much. I cry too much. I am yelling too much (again). When will this change? I wonder if I will ever feel normal again?

12 comments:

missy Wednesday, January 12, 2011  

oh Jessie, I know I just started following your blog, but my heart hurts for you. Thankyou for this honest post. It's easy in this crazy blogosphere for our lives to look perfect and happy - and in many ways life is...that's why the ever-happy blog posts can still be sincere, even if not the 'whole story' - which often carries such suffering, such heavy sadness permeating our moments.
So many of us have lost a baby, or even worse, babies, while pregnant...and yet there seems to be a taboo in talking about it months, and even years, after the loss. I think as women we will always carry these children with us.

Sending you wholeness, healing, and peace whatever the road holds ahead.

Mrs. Stam Wednesday, January 12, 2011  

I wish I could give you a hug!!!

Tara Wednesday, January 12, 2011  

:( I'm so sorry, Jessie. Although no words can really help to ease the loss...I hope that you can find comfort and peace. ((Hugs))

Michelle G Thursday, January 13, 2011  

I send you love and peace. It is not easy. Each time..It took me a year. I know thats not what you want to hear, but I didn't want to gloss over your question. I remember people trying to be sweet to me and I just wanted to smack their hand away. I didn't want a hug. I didn't want the "I'm sorry" face. I think it leaves a mark - leaves that panic feeling in your heart with each pregnancy. It was such a "step of faith" for me to try again. (maybe that makes me a horrible Christian...) but I didn't feel like I could survive it AGAIN. But it IS worth it...the trying again. The allowing yourself to hurt and heal. (I did MOST of my healing in the following pregnancy - even though I thought I was "all over it!")
I am 40. My littlest is 1 today :) I am so glad that I didn't let it totally ruin me. Fragment my faith.(and I felt like it could have)
I am praying for you. I am praying for your family. It's NOT easy...for any of you..

Kimberly Thursday, January 13, 2011  

I've been wondering how you've been, but I didn't want to ask for fear of bringing it up and making you sad. I hope it helps that we're here to listen, and you can cry on my shoulder any time.

blueviolet Thursday, January 13, 2011  

This is something I didn't know about you yet, and I am trying not to just throw out the easy "I'm sorry" here, because I know that I can't say one thing to ease the pain you feel, and I can't pretend to understand.

All I can say is that I care. A lot.

Joey @ Big Teeth and Clouds Thursday, January 13, 2011  

I had wondered as well how you were feeling about this.
I have no experience personally, but my sister had difficulty conceiving which led her to get involved with an alternative medicine thing through the Catholic Church (oddly enough). They use a very complex rhythm method/charting thing to figure out infertility problems. They also have done research about miscarriages. When my sister was finally pregnant with my nephew, she went and had her hormone levels tested frequently. Some level dropped drastically and they were able to give her an injection that prevented her from having a miscarriage.

This happened around seven weeks so it's not completely relevant to your situation. I just thought at some point you might want to look into something different. There could be answers beyond "habitual aborter" out there. That's a terrible phrase.

Corey~living and loving Thursday, January 13, 2011  

Big Cyber hugs for you. ♥

Flying Giggles and Lollipops Thursday, January 13, 2011  

I am so sorry Jessie. I do not know what you are going through, but I am here and my thoughts are going out to you.

Buckeroomama Saturday, January 15, 2011  

{{hugs}}

cynthia Saturday, January 15, 2011  

Jessie, I'm so sorry to learn that you lost a baby. I was 39 and 40 when I became pregnant with my boys and can relate to your feelings of being labelled "high risk" and your fears. Losing a baby is a devastating thing ... I can't begin to imagine how this must feel ... but I know from reading the blogs of other women that you will feel "normal" again. You'll never forget but the pain will subside.

Keep writing your thoughts down. We're listening. And, keep photographing your life with the people who love you. We feel blessed that you are sharing these images with us.

Here are a couple of my favourite blogs written by women who have lost a baby:

http://cribchronicles.com/
http://www.sweetsalty.com/

Their posts about their lost child are heart-wrenching but I hope that their stories will give you some relief in knowing that you're not alone ... and that a sense of normality is forthcoming.

Hugs,
Cynthia

Shelly at Aperture of My Eye Sunday, January 16, 2011  

Oh, Jessie....my heart just breaks reading this. I am so sorry you had to go through all of that. I can't even imagine the pain you must have felt and are still feeling. So sorry... <>

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I am 45 years old and married to my best friend Matthew. We are the parents of 3 girls, 2 dogs, and a cat. This is the story of us, try to stay awake.

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