Wordful Wednesday - A Little Flare

I am trying very hard to keep myself busy. Not only do I actually feel somewhat productive again but having a busy mind and body doesn't give much time to dwell and be depressed all day. I owe it to my family to not be depressed all day. So I decided to try and actually figure out backlighting and sunflare with my camera. I don't necessarily love the result all the time but it can be nice in certain situations. My model is the girl that is still in preschool. She is always happy to help her mama. What a girl ♥

Morning

Afternoon


Still a work in progress. Maybe with practice I will be able to post something that will blow me away. Until then...

Project 366 - Week 7

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Hey sweets! Sunday I went to the Sweet Tooth Festival with the ever fun Kisten. Our friend Rachel was one of the fairies behind the event. It was wonderful. And sweet! This is what I brought home for the family. You can probably imagine the girls were beyond excited to try everything. Sugar coma ensued.

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This isn't the best picture of my cup of tea that I enjoyed on Monday. It was dreary out and the tea was so good. I am not sure why I don't brew it more often. Too much of a coffee addict maybe?

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While I was at the Sweet Tooth Festival my friend Martha was at a bridal show. She got to take home this big, beautiful flower arrangement. Only problem with it was it made her eyes itch. Poor Martha but lucky us! We get to enjoy it for the rest of the week.

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I can't leave a good thing alone so I took that arrangement apart and made 2 vases full of flowers and then grabbed these and made a little windowsill display as well. A few of the bud vases are the girls from their great grandparents and the bottles were something Matt and I came across years and years ago. I think it is cute and enjoy looking at them while doing the dishes. Or loading them in the dishwasher because I don't do dishes.

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She is still sleeping with us. 3 weeks now. With our new bed island it isn't a big deal and maybe tonight we will have a big old slumber party.

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Started walking again. Wow, I am so out of shape from not being able to do much the past 4 months. Walking makes me feel amazing but my shins hurt like crazy :) Marley is giddy!

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How can you stay mad, say no, or not just plain out smile at this face? Oh my Ruby ♥

That is all this week. It has been busy and flew by. Monday we saw old friends and some new ones at a get together. We all had so much fun! Not only do we now have beautiful flowers in the house but while getting some Mardi Gras supplies at the party store the nice sales lady gave Ruby a dozen heart shaped balloons. She even blew them all back up again so they will last longer! The small things that happen that bring smiles to everyone's faces are what keep me going right now.

In Memory of Milo

Losing Milo was absolutely devastating to every member of our family. The girls were excited to have a new brother or sister to play with and Matt and I couldn't wait to spoil another little one with love. Sometimes things don't work out the way we want though. Maybe devastating is an understatement.

I had so many sweet emails and cards sent to me after I posted our birth story. Too many of us in this painful sisterhood and my heart breaks for each and every one of you. Thank you for reaching out to me.

A Fed Ex truck pulled into my driveway and dropped off a package from Seeds of Life. I had not ever heard of them before but knew the package was from my best friend Trista who told me to watch for something coming. The girls and I opened the carefully packed parcel to find a beautiful Magnolia tree.



Then I saw the plaque and I was overwhelmed with sadness, joy, and gratitude all at the same time. To see our Milo's name on that plaque made me miss the baby I had hoped to hold and raise. The tree will be planted in our yard and I am so thankful and happy that my dear friend thought of our family and gave us such a meaningful, heartfelt gift.



Each time I look at our tree I will think of our son and know that we will be together again someday. When sadness fills my heart I will gaze out and see our tree full of gorgeous white flowers and I will feel the love and caring of an old friend. A hug when I need it from across the miles.

Mardi Gras 2012

I was on the fence if I would make the cake this year or not. Hubs was out of town and we had already celebrated Mardi Gras on Monday with a party at an old friend's house. When it came down to it though it is now a tradition so we invited our neighborhood friends over to create masks and eat some jambalaya and king cake.


I forgot to take a shot of all of our masks together so these are just the zoo's. First year we used string and it worked the best to hold them on. Why I used rubber bands the past 2 years is beyond me.


The group. Marley too :) Violet is holding Lucky the Ladybug from her preschool class. Lucky joined in with the Mardi Gras celebration with us. We dress fancy every year so I decided to break out my fancy feather earrings my girl gave me for Christmas. Every time I wear them Piper just beams and tells me how pretty I look :) It's the little things with her. I love that ♥


The cake. I am used to making it now. Probably still not as good as the cakes from New Orleans but the best this mama could do. Girls and I had leftovers for breakfast. Yum!

Laissez les Bons Temps Rouler

Monday Mingle 2.20.12

Winter has hit! Drove home and saw our first (and hopefully last) sleet on the roads yesterday afternoon. Sun is shinning now and it is supposed to get up to 52 today. 68 on Thursday. Bring it! On to the questions...

1. If your family was a reality show, what would it be called?
2. Were you in Girl Scouts, Brownies, etc.?
3. On a scale of 1 to 10, how well do you like your first name (10 best, 1 least)

Around the house

Taking a picture each day is harder than you would think so I turn the camera to things around the house. A lot. I could probably take a picture of our girls each day but that might be boring (for anyone other than me). So what do you do at 9pm or so when you realize that you haven't taken you photo for that day? Elmo? Sure why not?

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Santa brought Elmo to live with us. Baby girl loves him! Loves him! Not everyone is allowed to play with Elmo. Not everyone meaning Violet. Have I mentioned the fighting between those two?

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Then you glance over and see this. Violet and Ruby sitting together. Reading? What? Small miracles do happen at our home once in awhile.

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In less than a month hubs and I went out 2x. Records are made to be broken right? We ordered this amazing cheesy bread. I got this oh.so.yummy wedge salad. Matt started with a lobster bisque and then went for it with a 28oz porterhouse. Holy cow right? Literally. I ordered a side of asparagus and ate some of his meat because there was so much of it. After 2 glasses of wine I was full, satisfied, and ready for bed. What did Matt do? He went and dined on Arctic Char that a friend of ours was making for a food competition. Yep, that is my husband for you.


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Ruby was ticked off at me when I took this picture because I made her give me the iPod she was playing with first. 2 year olds and technology :) We celebrated Valentine's Day on Saturday instead of Tuesday because Matt was out of town. The girls spent a lot of time picking out their outfits. I wasn't loving them, being the fashionista that I am *ha*, but I am picking my battles lately and they were so proud. We went to a "fancy" restaurant and then came home and made chocolate chip cookies and watched the Shootout. Perfect Valentine's right?

Wordful Wednesday - Smile

Things that make me smile.

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Piper's face when she first looked in the mirror and saw the hot pink feather that is decorating her hair for the next few weeks. Priceless.

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Need I say more?

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She sleeps with me when Matt is away. She hugs me 100 times a day at least. She sits on my lap and gives me unexpected kisses. She doesn't leave me alone and is always a bright spot in my day. Our Violet is exactly what I need right now.

My Man

Obviously he lives with me so he should receive some sort of award. I smile when he walks through the door, he brings me out of low places, and our girls adore him. Me too :)

I heart faces - Hearts

Baby dug out the heart sunnies the other day. These particular pair are a rarity in our home, they have survived 2 other toddlers and now are being worn by Ruby. I can't believe that they made it past the first day with her but they have and here she is.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Project 366 - Week 6

It has been a tough week. Lots of ups because I have a wonderful family and friends but there has been a lot of downs as well.

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Special treat for the Lucas girls! They have been wanting feathers because all the girls have them and mama found them at Sally's for $5.99 so they will get them. So will 2 of their besties :) We need some happy around here and this should do the trick.

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I feel like I am so lucky to have this silly little baby spend her days with me. The older girls push my buttons until I finally yell and scream at them. It's the age I know but my temper is rather short right now. Ruby pushes, don't get me wrong, but then right when I am about to explode baby girl does something so ridiculously funny that I can't help but laugh. I hope that patience returns soon so I am not so quick to yell at the older 2, they are suffering too.

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I had to pick up Milo's remains this week. It was a lot harder than I ever thought it would be. We chose the small heart urn to keep him in. I wish that I could say that I found some closure from this but I haven't. I am still pretty pissed off.

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Our annual day at the Fairy Festival. This is our 3rd year going and the girls love it! This year their little friend Emilie came along. The wonderful story telling lady was there again.

With my friend Martha and her mama Bonnie we made a very nice fairy house for a large group of fairies. Hopefully the wind we had yesterday didn't blow our house down.

How cute are they?
There it is, another week down. Winter has finally hit NC. It is C.O.L.D. I even see flurries in the forecast for Tuesday. Brrrr!!

Wordful Wednesday - 2.8.12

I always title my blog posts but my brain isn't working right now, I guess you will have weeks like that.

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I spend all together too much time with my phone. I spend too much time on Pinterest. Ask hubs, he'll tell you (in a loving sort of way). Pinterest doesn't require thinking and that is what I need right now. Activities that don't involve thinking. Just pinning. And pinning. And pinning.

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She was making me dinner. Took my order on a notepad and everything. I asked for pizza and got some sort of doll food :)

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Our Violet. We got our stuff together to register her for Kindergarten. I still can't believe that she will be off to school next year. I need to stop blinking so time slows down.

Our birth story (sensitive!)

I woke up to use the bathroom as I have so many times a night for the past 4 months but this time when I wiped I saw blood again. Ugh. Don't panic, I told myself, it could be something left over from that placenta attaching but somewhere deep down I knew. The past week I had been feeling so good and it worried me, now this. I wasn't able to fall back to sleep and just cried for the next 2 1/2 hours until the alarm finally went off. My mind was in mommy mode now and I woke up Piper and started getting her ready for school. Around 6 am, right after hubs left for work, I passed 2 golf ball sized clots. I immediately called him to come back home. Waiting for the ob's office to open at 7:30 was excruciating but they were able to see us at 8 so we dropped off the girls and headed there.

"Don't cry in the waiting room. Don't cry in the waiting room." I repeated this over and over to myself. When the nurse called my name though the tears started. While we were waiting for the ultrasound room to open up the doctor came in with his hand held doppler to try and listen for the heartbeat. There was none that he could find. The ultrasound revealed the same thing. I saw my beautiful baby perfect in every way on the screen but with no beating heart. I lost it. I couldn't look anymore. They were talking to me but I have no clue what they were saying. What I did finally hear was that because I was over 16 weeks along I could not get a d&e and that I was going to to be admitted to the hospital to deliver my baby. No, this can't be. Why like this again? Why would this be happening this way again?

Matt and I went home to pack a few things. The doctor said that they administer the medicine every 6 hours and most women deliver in 2 doses but some take up to 24 hours. We made arrangements for the girls and went. I didn't get out of the car when we got to the hospital. Like I thought I had a choice in the matter. Maybe if I don't go in it won't happen. No part of me wanted to walk through those doors. Why, again why? I was so mad at life and the shitty hand that our family has been dealt. Mostly I was scared because I remember the pain and the feelings I had afterwards from last time and didn't want to be in that place again. After maybe 15 minutes Matt finally had me calmed down a little and we went in the hospital and took the elevator up to the 3rd floor. Labor and Delivery. Walking through the doors I smelled a familiar smell. That smell brought me back to a very happy time full of hope and anticipation but this experience would be very different and sad. The birthing room was filled with everything to welcome your new baby into the world. Warmer, diapers, wipes, changing table, and glider. This wasn't how our story was supposed to end. Not again.

At 10:30 the doctor gave me my first dose of medicine and then the waiting began. He told me as the day went on I would start contracting more heavily until I finally delivered the baby. Matt and I sat most of the day in silence. I didn't want to talk, my heart hurt too much and I wanted to be left alone. It was 2pm when the contractions started to get really strong and I started to feel pressure. The nurse came in and I was dilated to 3cm. A few minutes later my water broke. I delivered our tiny baby at 2:45 pm on February 1, 2012. He had 10 perfect little fingers and 10 perfect little toes. His coloring told us that he had died a few days earlier but we will never know why. I still had to deliver the placenta which was being stubborn so the doctor had to give me more medicine. This gave my husband and I time to spend with our little one. The hospital gave us a disposable camera and the nurse took some pictures for us. Will they ever be developed? Probably not but there may come a time that I want to see them and to know that they are there is comforting. This is our last babe so we decided to give him the name we have been saving for a boy, Milo Hartley. Holding him and spending time with him actually gave me a sense of peace. I was emotionally worn out from the day and I am not sure there was a tear left in me to cry. An hour later I was able to deliver the placenta but had to wait to leave until they felt comfortable with my bleeding. I just wanted to go home and be with our girls. We decided to have Milo cremated because I left my last baby at the doctor and it haunts me still. So much regret and I didn't want to feel that way again. We said our last goodbyes and held our sweet baby for the last time on earth. It was time to leave and we were leaving without our baby. I am not sure I will ever get why this happened again.

Violet took the news as hard as I thought she would. She has asked me so many questions and I am doing my best to answer them all honestly. Ruby still pats my stomach and talks about the "new baby" but I know that will pass eventually as well. Piper worries me because she is so quiet about everything. I hope that she will talk to us if she has questions but she didn't last time either.

As for me, my heart is broken and I am angry about it all. I had just become excited about the pregnancy and it was taken from me. Now I guess my own grieving process will start but I am not sure I have ever been so heartbroken and sad. I wake up in the middle of the night and just think. Cry. I want everything out of my head. I was at such a low last time and don't want to be in that place again. But how do you stop that? That spiral downward that you can't control? I have so much anger that creeps into my daily life and consumes me. The sad and empty feeling that won't leave my heart no matter what joy is going on around me. Like last time I will go through the motions of life for my family. The day to days will eventually become normal again. But normal has never returned to my heart and I wonder if it ever will.

It's a Pinterest Super Bowl party

I am so totally addicted to Pinterest. I have it on my phone so it is always right there. I can pin while the girls are watching Dora, sitting on my couch when they go to sleep, or in the early morning hours when I am up by myself. Pinterest makes me believe that someday I will dress better, be a cooler crafting mama, and make beautiful meals that are delicious and healthy. Reality is that all I have been doing is pinning this and pinning that and my grand ideas never come to life. Until Sunday. Super Bowl Sunday as a matter of fact.

Matt decided to cut out some carbs from his diet. The day after the Super Bowl :) What I planned for him was a carb lovers dream. First up ham & cheese sliders. Who doesn't love these? I changed them up a bit and didn't add Miracle Whip and we used cheddar because that is what we had on hand. I love potato bread so we used potato rolls and let me say they were delicious!

Source: the-girl-who-ate-everything.com via Jessie on Pinterest

Next up Artichoke Cheese Bread. Ahhh. You can be jealous of this because it was divine! There is something about artichokes, cheese, and warm bread that makes my mouth water. Want to guess on if there was any left?

Source: closetcooking.com via Jessie on Pinterest

Then came a kiddos treat. We went with Pepperoni Rolls without the sauce. The sauce would be good with them but not needed. Very tasty and quick to make!

Source: plainchicken.com via Jessie on Pinterest

Buffalo Chicken Dip. Yum! I used the canned chicken that I had in the pantry. Next time hubs wants more chicken. All of us loved this! I did use blue cheese dressing instead of ranch as well.

Source: eatliverun.com via Madeline on Pinterest

Finally Banana Bread made with cream cheese. What? Even the batter tasted yummy! 1 for us now and 1 for our neighbor. Very tasty.

Source: sugarandspice-celeste.blogspot.com via Jessie on Pinterest

We also had salty snacks & dip. Not homemade *gasp* The girls love Super Bowl party food and it was nice to eat good food and spend the day with our family. All recipes and pictures are from sources listed above that I found on Pinterest. Seriously addicting. Come drink the kool aid with me :)

Project 366 - Week 5

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The chocolate sculptures that were next to the chocolate bar (closed *poo*) at the Ritz Carlton. I wish you could experience the wonderful smell as you walked by these masterpieces. I mean check out that lady! A chocolate dress. What?

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Supper on Monday. Hard to top Sunday but it was waaayyyyy cheaper and I had my own personal shrimp cocktail :)

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Sweet, sweet toddler feet. I could kiss them all day.

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A girl and a basket. Who needs toys?

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Oh this one. Silly, silly girl. She even laughs in her sleep!

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My favorite, tulips ♥